VentureTek goes to the Party

We’ve been gone for a pretty long time.  We’re sure you missed us, like, a lot, but we’re not even going to get into that right now. (How does later sound?) Now listen up fatty, we’ve got a 6 pound bag of VentureTek™ brand Real-Good Newz™ and we want you to open it.

::Will you open Mysterious bag?::

-Y

-N

A while back VentureTek™ started a band that rules. That band is called The Top Gunz. That band is the best Top Gun Original Motion Picture Soundtrack Cover Band in San Francisco, hands down 110% (among other official titles), and for good reason. They rule. That band is playing a show, TOMORROW, SATURDAY February 26th. Look!

Top 15 Reasons you should come to this CoOl PaRtY:

1.) It is the last performance ever-forever of both The Top Gunz  and the current VentureTek™ line-up.

2.) Top Gunz play at 11pm! You can definitely make it!

3.) It’s free! You can definitely afford it!

4.) Booze is cheap and plentiful! You’re gunna get fucked UP!

5.) Be amongst the San Francisco Nightlife elite! You’re going to be famous!

6.) Costumed Dance party with Real Music! …and also dubstep! (The best part about dubstep? You can pretend that it doesn’t even exist!) You’re going to have fun!

7.) Free Top Gunz crust punk back patches! YOU WANT THIS!

8.) Win a chance to take a taxi home with The Top Gunz! You may already be a winner!

9.) Dangerzone?

10.)

11.)

12.)

13.)We’ll

14.)See

15.)Ya!™

We”ll see you!

Saturday 9pm-Late am

Urban Art Farm

1345 A 17th St.

Bye-Bye

VentureTek™ sez: Letz Hav’ Fun

Wow. Just wow.

I mean, golly,This summer has been TERRIBLE! We don’t know how it’s been for you, but for us it’s just been nothing but bummer days, lousy lays and no news but bad news. Judging by how June and July went, VentureTek™ thought August was going to totally suck dick. But August, baby, we’re starting to believe.

Thank you so much, month of August. You’ve seen the birth of our Great Website, Hauntmystepdad.Com. Which in the short two weeks since it went live has already seen like, probably a million hits. You make us want to do cool things. So we say, for the rest of summer,  Letz Hav’ Fun!

Of course, it’s not  that easy to forget. After July’s tragic incident when Danbury, our webmaster and friend lost his right arm, it was looking like he would never webmast again. But look at you go, August. Damn girl. You roll around right after July 31st and BAM, he finds it! He finds his fucking arm! It works just fine!

But of course that’s not all that happened in July. Nope. Basically the worst thing happened.

We lost our sponsorship with Pepsi.

Yep. Mr. Pepsi himself flew to visit us in his PepZeppelin to deliver the bad news. Nothing personal, he assures us. They love our humor, and they look foward to working with us in the future. It’s just that they’re  tightening their budget across all divisions in preparation for the impending Cola Wars. He couldn’t say too much else, but apparently this shit is going to get bloody. He said in 4-7 years, when Coke is but a memory and when Pepsi is Government, we will have a seat at the table, and that we will live the lives of GODS (his emphasis.) Sounds pretty cool, I guess.

But without our promotional monthly delivery of a Pepsi Cube 240 Pack,  what are we going to drink for free? Water? Pepsi is our water!   And don’t say “Drink your piss” because that’s so juvenile of you.  You’re disgusting and not very clever.

Oh yeah.

We’ve also been selected to compete in the upcoming Sf Sketch Fíesta!

Check out that poster! We’re first on the list!

You gotta come see this. (We actually are pretty sure that it’s mandatory.)  We’re performing all new material! Really funny new material! Cuz when you pay $10 to see a show, it better be dope. And this show is going to be dope. More info coming later.

We love you so much.

– The ‘Tek™

VentureTek™ NOW HAS A WEBSITE

Now I know what your probably thinking:

“VentureTek™ already has a website. Right?

Wrong! VentureTek™ already has a blog. Which you would know if you read VentureTek’s Scientific Emissions, the most reliable news source for all things VentureTek™ in quality or nature.

“So what’s with all this hauntmystepdad.com funny business?”

Let me explain, when a group of men blog with each other very much they want to make a website together.  If their ideas are interesting enough they work closely with a graphic designer/ best friend to make the dream into a reality.

“…And 9 months later a website comes out the woman’s vagina?”

Sure. If pushing a metaphor will help you understand…then, yes.

What does HauntMyStepDad.com have to offer —>YOU<—the consumer?

1. Access to VentureTek’s™ Kinetoscopic Laff-folio Film Library, featuring:The Search for Douglas directed by Spencer McCall
2. Premium music from Starbeast II
3. Artwork by: Jeffrey Rahuba
4. NSFW Collages by Shaz Conway
5. Psychedelic web design  by Anthony Cardenas
6. Photos by Kelly Daugherty

And Much, Much More.

HAUNT MY STEP DAD HAS GONE LIVE

Take a shot! Take off your shirt! Haunt My Stepdad!

www.hauntmystepdad.com

Go Ahead. We won’t tell your girlfriend.

Great Minds Thanks A Lot!™

The results are finally in! The good people from SF Weekly have tabulated all of your votes for The Best Sketch Comedy Group of SF 2010 and you are not going to believe what the polls have to  say!

We’ll be the first to admit that the competition this year was TUFF,  but we’ve got the stuff. Never before had such a win-worthy assortment of opponents been gathered for scrutiny. We’re talking about some of the funniest people and persons that had made anyone anywhere ever laugh.  But we received such an outpouring of support from you, our fans. Many of you went above and beyond the Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare 2 let us know just how much you appreciated what VentureTek™ has been contributing to the Bay Area, the community, and of course, the Environment. For the countless emails, texts, and phone calls, we Thank You!*

And now….

It gives VentureTek™ great pleasure to announce that the winner for San Francisco’s Best Sketch Comedy Group in 2010 is not able to be determined at this time. Before the results could be printed the SF Weekly office building was ransacked and all the Best Sketch Comedy Group votes stolen. Surveillance camera footage was unable to capture footage of the suspect however SFPD announced today that Barry Levinson, acclaimed Hollywood writer, director, and producer has come forward as an eyewitness. Mr. Levinson decribed the suspect as being Male, Athletic,  Extremely Goopy and All Slooped-Over.

No formal announcement was made on behalf of the SFPD as of this time, but police have released this sketch based on Mr. Levinson’s testimony. If spotted, citizens are being advised not to approach as the suspect is considered Armed and Dan-gerous.

…….Meanwhile, Everyone’s a Winner!

*Contest winners will receive their special packages in two-to-three business weeks.

VentureTek™: Found Guilty of Being Rad

It’s True!

A jury of our peers recently sentenced VentureTek™ to 10-12 years of being the Best Sketch Comedy/ Performance Art (?) group on pLanet eArt. This is terrible! We have families! What about our terrible, terrible families?

In other news, we were awarded some awards. You may remember our humorous video “Look at Those Puppies” , a featured selection from our Great Film “The Search 4 Douglas.” VentureTek™ posted that shit! Put it all the way on the online! We even posted it on Atom.com, a funny-video website. And let. me. tell. you

They Loved It!

It’s true! It’s been viewed literally 1000 of times.  Don’t believe us? You should! We’re Scientiss!

1000 thanks to Atom.com for  extending the olive branch to VentureTek™.  What a truly fabulous website! It lets you watch the same VentureTek™ videos you can watch elsewhere, but now with a 15-30 second ad before it. (If you hurry, you can learn about what its like to Got Milk) But if one thing can be said about the Atom.com community, it’s that they know what makes them laughter. And laughter+ (->YOU<-) =VentureTek™.

Mr./Mrs. Atom.com recently publicly recognized our contributions in the fields of Comedic Efforts by presenting us with two awards:  “Best Low Budget Sketch Video” and also “WTF!” which we’re pretty sure means “Woah, Too Funny!”

VentureTek™ graciously accepts awards. Thanks again Atom.Com, let’s do it again real, real, real soon.

Oh, did we mention the letter from Washington.? D.C.? Washington D.C.?

It arrived yesterday, first-class mega-priority postage mail. We love mail.* What was inside this envelope was something more valuable than any other piece of written correspondence we’d ever received. For you see, we had never gotten a letter before from the motherfucking President. (Well, that’s not exactly true. We did get one from Bush Jr., but no one really likes that guy, right?) (P.s- Bush Bashing 2010) Anywayzzz- Prez. ‘Bama wrote us to tell us just how much our humor means to him and his entire staff at the White House. Keep reading and you’ll see what we mean. He also included this cool plaque! You’ll have to come to the VentureDome™ to see it in person. It’s all gilded and shit.

His letter was very nice. You should see the way he dots his i’s. It’s freaking presidentially adorable. I don’t wanna bore ya, lets let the man tell you himself.

Dear VentureTek™,

It’s me. Obama. A wise-man once said: “VentureTek™ is the funniest sketch-comedy/ performance art(?) group in the world!” That wise-man was ME. Hope you don’t mind the little award too much. You deserved the recognition. I know how easy it is for important ideas to get swept under the proverbial rug but boys (can I think of you men as boys?) let me first apologize for waiting so long to write this letter. I apologize. I got so swept up in things that I almost forgot about the people who matter most. YOU are THOSE people! For years now you boys have been churning out top-notch sketch-comedy / performance art (?) that really encourages Americans to, if I may quote you, “Stink Outside The Box™.”

This country owes a great deal to you fine young boys. Now I may be the President, but that doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy seeing you all shirtless-*clapping*-Wow. Just motherfucking Wow! Keep up the good work.

Before I go, there is something I needed to talk to you about. You know theres a very good chance I won’t be around forever. Presidents stop Presiding, they get old, they die. That’s just the natural order of things. You’ll understand one of these days. If I don’t get the chance to tell you this again, I just want all of you to know. All Gordo, Jake and Joey of you to know that I LOVE YOU.

I love you.

-Prez. Obama

See You Later!

P.s- I hear you guys will be performing in SF Sketchfiesta 2010 in a few months. I’ll try and make it. And that’s a promise!

P.p.s- Michelle (Obama) (my wife) wants to know what size shoes you wear. I think she wants to knit you some shoes.

So There You Have It!

And it’s all true! Also, thanks again to Kelly for the sick pix.

And thanks to all our fans! You guys really love us!

-The Tek

*send us mail! It’s so easy!

Gone Green

Secrets  are no fun, but sometimes they are entirely necessary.

We regret to inform you that VentureTek™ has been keeping secrets from you, our fans.  We didn’t want to. We are sorry. However, apologizing is very mature of us.

The secret is as follows: In February of  this year VentureTek™ was approached by the SFDPW, or San Francisco Department of Public Works. (This is a true story) We were paid $2000 to produce a hip, funny video for high school students teaching them how easy it is to live sustainability. It seemed like a sweet ass deal, so we took it. Unfortunately, once we completed the project, by the terms in the contract, we surrendered our control over the final product. The video was reviewed and let. me. tell. you.

They Hated It

It was locked in a vault probably 60 miles underground in the depths of Old San Frinsisco. Luckily, we have friends in low places, more specifically Candelabra Stephens, Duke of the Unspookables and freedom fighter for hire. He lives in the catacombs really close to the DPW vault so we didn’t even have to give him gas money. Sweet!

Long story short, we’ve recovered the footage. We also owe blowjobs to 500 unspookable warriors.  (This is less than desirable.)  Irregardless, we’ve re-edited our film and wow. It’s pretty powerful stuff.  It’s a short movie with a big message for all of planet Eart. Learn what they’re TOO SCARED to teach our kids in school.

Please, watch. But when you watch it , like, really watch it, you know?

shoutouts to Anthony Cardenas for the rad vid and Kelly Daugherty for the sick pix

Good News For People Who Love Chips also —>You<—

Did you know that in the year 2009 sales of chips and chip-related merchandise increased first twofold and then tenfold. That may not seem important to you but if you’re a big company like FritoLay then it’s like, mega-important. Why? I’ll tell you why.

First-most, sales equals money. Money= You’re Rich! Which means that people still want to pay for the undeniably nacho-taste of Dorito® brand chips and secondly it means that the future is likely around the corner.

Good news, the corner is here! I mean the future!

It’s finally 2010, ya’ll.

VentureTek™ would like to be the first to introduce you to the latest in sensational* snack technology.

VentureTek™ would like to be the first to introduce you to Doritos® in a Can™.

That’s right, mother fuckers. All the nacho cheese taste you love, now in a shape you can get behind. The shape of a cylinder, see also: the shape of a can. It’s true! So far as far as we can tell Doritos® in a Can™ are only being manufactured in the Nacho Cheese variety. Whats up with that, FritoLay? You got a whole library/menagerie of delicious flavors to choose from (Pizza Cravers, Tacos at Midnite come to mind) and you choose bunk-ass Nacho Cheese? Where all my Cool Ranch fanatics out there? We gotsta be e-mail bombing those chunkers up at FritoLay, tell them to get on that shit, right? r-i-g-h-t?!?

Our ultimate feelings- We love the can. We really do. It comes with 3.5 servings. Do you know how many fucking servings that is? The Can: We Love It. But that doesn’t mean we have to love the flavor that comes in it.

Also, this really blows the door open for our Pepsi® in a Bag™ idea.

Yours,

The ‘Tek™

*probably made by communists

News From Two Weeks Ago!

‘Big D’ and ‘Cool C’ Back in The House

Danbury (of Danbury and Critts, Official VentureTek™ Webmasters) Here!

Sorry about the delay in posts loyal readers, but your boy and Critts and I have been “Out of the office” for a few weeks. That is, if “Out of the office” is street slang that we were unaware of for  “Sent away on unpaid leave for protesting against unfair work conditions and procedures  implemented by the members and additional staff of VentureTek™ ”

Blah blah blah. Shitty Lawyers got involved, and two weeks later we’re all like “Whatever…” Anywayz, its all ironed out now, and we”d hate to air our dirty laundry on the WWW*,  even if the laundry, although dirty, has already been ironed out. It isn’t clean, it doesn’t seem polite, and Cool C and I are ALL about manners, even if those kOOky boys from VentureTek™ couldn’t give a fit’s tits.

Speaking of VentureTek™, the funniest sketch comedy/ performance art (?) group in the world,

We’ve got some BIG news from 2 weeks ago! VentureTek™ was recently endorsed/reviewed (?) by Mission Mission, a blog detailing the goings-on of San Francisco’s Mission District. They liked us! But don’t take our word for it, because we are liars. Here, you should probably go read what they have to say and then leave a comment about how you think VentureTek™ is totally the best and how you and all your slutty friends totally want to B.D** with us.

JUST DO IT!

A Big Fucking Thank You for all the support we’ve received from VentureTek™ fans the whole world over.

It means a lot, ya know?

TTYS,

Danbury and Critts

P.s- To all those who emailed asking to see a picture of Critts and I,  please enjoy this little snapshot of us all dolled up for Halloween. We’ve been together for almost 30 years now.

* World Wide Web. Do people still say that?

**Bone Down

Miraculous Discovery! StressKills!

It’s true! Stress really can kill.

And it’s killing you. You’re bumming yourself out! You’re all like “AGHHH” and everyone at work thinks you’ve been acting really agro lately.

You need to relax, dude.

You’re health depends upon it.

VentureTek™ knows what’s best for you. VentureTek™ are scientists, which is the closest you can get to being a Doctor without being a Doctor. Take this as an aural prescription

Theme from Fake Brazil

The recording that you are listening to (right now) was released under the strict supervision of the Fake Brazilian™ Heritage/Cultural Preservation Society (FBH/CPS) and funded for by the VentureTek™ Broadcasting Company™ with special help from one blind native.  Unlike normal music, the songs of Fake Brazil™ have the added ability to immediately transport its listeners to the sun drenched shores of Robbflannagan’s Cove.  Take a look around you. No more angry boss, no more ringing phones, no more wife and kids. Just you and no clothes and a whole bunch of boo.

Did I mention every beach in Fake Brazil™ is clothing optional?

¿Como se dice “Wowie-Zowie?”

Wowie! You are literally there!!! Can normal music do that?

I didn’t think so.

Enjoy your real stay in Fake Brazil™!

And remember to chill out island style, hombre.