VentureTek™ sez: Letz Hav’ Fun

Wow. Just wow.

I mean, golly,This summer has been TERRIBLE! We don’t know how it’s been for you, but for us it’s just been nothing but bummer days, lousy lays and no news but bad news. Judging by how June and July went, VentureTek™ thought August was going to totally suck dick. But August, baby, we’re starting to believe.

Thank you so much, month of August. You’ve seen the birth of our Great Website, Hauntmystepdad.Com. Which in the short two weeks since it went live has already seen like, probably a million hits. You make us want to do cool things. So we say, for the rest of summer,  Letz Hav’ Fun!

Of course, it’s not  that easy to forget. After July’s tragic incident when Danbury, our webmaster and friend lost his right arm, it was looking like he would never webmast again. But look at you go, August. Damn girl. You roll around right after July 31st and BAM, he finds it! He finds his fucking arm! It works just fine!

But of course that’s not all that happened in July. Nope. Basically the worst thing happened.

We lost our sponsorship with Pepsi.

Yep. Mr. Pepsi himself flew to visit us in his PepZeppelin to deliver the bad news. Nothing personal, he assures us. They love our humor, and they look foward to working with us in the future. It’s just that they’re  tightening their budget across all divisions in preparation for the impending Cola Wars. He couldn’t say too much else, but apparently this shit is going to get bloody. He said in 4-7 years, when Coke is but a memory and when Pepsi is Government, we will have a seat at the table, and that we will live the lives of GODS (his emphasis.) Sounds pretty cool, I guess.

But without our promotional monthly delivery of a Pepsi Cube 240 Pack,  what are we going to drink for free? Water? Pepsi is our water!   And don’t say “Drink your piss” because that’s so juvenile of you.  You’re disgusting and not very clever.

Oh yeah.

We’ve also been selected to compete in the upcoming Sf Sketch Fíesta!

Check out that poster! We’re first on the list!

You gotta come see this. (We actually are pretty sure that it’s mandatory.)  We’re performing all new material! Really funny new material! Cuz when you pay $10 to see a show, it better be dope. And this show is going to be dope. More info coming later.

We love you so much.

– The ‘Tek™

Sloportunity Knocks!

By now you’ve surely heard of all VentureTek™ ‘s recent accolades. Of course it was great that our efforts were recognized on such a National level, but we’re not the only ones who deserve prestige, success, money and prizes and women and money.  No, dear friends. The people who are most deserving of all this and more are –>YOU<– , the best fans a sketch comedy/performance art group (?) could ask for! You’re the ones that keep us going every day and without you, how would our videos reach almost tens of dozens of plays on the WWW?

Well, ‘Tek™ fans, your ship has come to port.

And this ship is a Big Boat™. (This boat is BIG)

We got a sloportunity for you.

The SF Weekly Newspaper (a newspaper published weekly in SF, or San Francisco) is having it’s annual Best Of San Francisco awards. There are categories in literally every category! There’s even a category for “Best Comedy Group” and guess what? VentureTek™ has been nom-nominated! Pretty cool? It gets better, cuz heres where you, and your friends (Vt™ fans) come marching in.

If you vote for VentureTek™ to win “Best Comedy Group” of San Francisco AND if you confirm your vote by: commenting on this post and including your address, then we, VentureTek™ will personally mail “something” rad to your tenement or place of residence. It will be spooktacular and one-of-a-motherfucking-kind™ of this we assure you. Offer valid throughout San Francisco y todos los Estados Unidos.  (No Puerto Rico. Lo siento mucho.)

Oh. And you gotta do this shit now cause the deadline is April 30th, ya heard?

Fake confirmations will be dealt with swiftly and severely (severely sloppily is more like it.)

Are you ready to Vote Now? Vote now and find out!

SF Weekly Best of San Francisco 2010

Don’t forget to write, ya bonehead. If you forget to remember, how can we mail you your prize?

Peace, Love, Unity and Having Fun,

-The ‘Tek™

*Venturetek™ has a strict confidentiality policy. Comments must be pre-approved by the Tek™ before they are able to be viewed, so your address will never be posted for John or Jane Q. Public to see. ”

“VentureTek™ -We really have thought of Everything!™”

VentureTek™: Found Guilty of Being Rad

It’s True!

A jury of our peers recently sentenced VentureTek™ to 10-12 years of being the Best Sketch Comedy/ Performance Art (?) group on pLanet eArt. This is terrible! We have families! What about our terrible, terrible families?

In other news, we were awarded some awards. You may remember our humorous video “Look at Those Puppies” , a featured selection from our Great Film “The Search 4 Douglas.” VentureTek™ posted that shit! Put it all the way on the online! We even posted it on Atom.com, a funny-video website. And let. me. tell. you

They Loved It!

It’s true! It’s been viewed literally 1000 of times.  Don’t believe us? You should! We’re Scientiss!

1000 thanks to Atom.com for  extending the olive branch to VentureTek™.  What a truly fabulous website! It lets you watch the same VentureTek™ videos you can watch elsewhere, but now with a 15-30 second ad before it. (If you hurry, you can learn about what its like to Got Milk) But if one thing can be said about the Atom.com community, it’s that they know what makes them laughter. And laughter+ (->YOU<-) =VentureTek™.

Mr./Mrs. Atom.com recently publicly recognized our contributions in the fields of Comedic Efforts by presenting us with two awards:  “Best Low Budget Sketch Video” and also “WTF!” which we’re pretty sure means “Woah, Too Funny!”

VentureTek™ graciously accepts awards. Thanks again Atom.Com, let’s do it again real, real, real soon.

Oh, did we mention the letter from Washington.? D.C.? Washington D.C.?

It arrived yesterday, first-class mega-priority postage mail. We love mail.* What was inside this envelope was something more valuable than any other piece of written correspondence we’d ever received. For you see, we had never gotten a letter before from the motherfucking President. (Well, that’s not exactly true. We did get one from Bush Jr., but no one really likes that guy, right?) (P.s- Bush Bashing 2010) Anywayzzz- Prez. ‘Bama wrote us to tell us just how much our humor means to him and his entire staff at the White House. Keep reading and you’ll see what we mean. He also included this cool plaque! You’ll have to come to the VentureDome™ to see it in person. It’s all gilded and shit.

His letter was very nice. You should see the way he dots his i’s. It’s freaking presidentially adorable. I don’t wanna bore ya, lets let the man tell you himself.

Dear VentureTek™,

It’s me. Obama. A wise-man once said: “VentureTek™ is the funniest sketch-comedy/ performance art(?) group in the world!” That wise-man was ME. Hope you don’t mind the little award too much. You deserved the recognition. I know how easy it is for important ideas to get swept under the proverbial rug but boys (can I think of you men as boys?) let me first apologize for waiting so long to write this letter. I apologize. I got so swept up in things that I almost forgot about the people who matter most. YOU are THOSE people! For years now you boys have been churning out top-notch sketch-comedy / performance art (?) that really encourages Americans to, if I may quote you, “Stink Outside The Box™.”

This country owes a great deal to you fine young boys. Now I may be the President, but that doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy seeing you all shirtless-*clapping*-Wow. Just motherfucking Wow! Keep up the good work.

Before I go, there is something I needed to talk to you about. You know theres a very good chance I won’t be around forever. Presidents stop Presiding, they get old, they die. That’s just the natural order of things. You’ll understand one of these days. If I don’t get the chance to tell you this again, I just want all of you to know. All Gordo, Jake and Joey of you to know that I LOVE YOU.

I love you.

-Prez. Obama

See You Later!

P.s- I hear you guys will be performing in SF Sketchfiesta 2010 in a few months. I’ll try and make it. And that’s a promise!

P.p.s- Michelle (Obama) (my wife) wants to know what size shoes you wear. I think she wants to knit you some shoes.

So There You Have It!

And it’s all true! Also, thanks again to Kelly for the sick pix.

And thanks to all our fans! You guys really love us!

-The Tek

*send us mail! It’s so easy!

News From Two Weeks Ago!

‘Big D’ and ‘Cool C’ Back in The House

Danbury (of Danbury and Critts, Official VentureTek™ Webmasters) Here!

Sorry about the delay in posts loyal readers, but your boy and Critts and I have been “Out of the office” for a few weeks. That is, if “Out of the office” is street slang that we were unaware of for  “Sent away on unpaid leave for protesting against unfair work conditions and procedures  implemented by the members and additional staff of VentureTek™ ”

Blah blah blah. Shitty Lawyers got involved, and two weeks later we’re all like “Whatever…” Anywayz, its all ironed out now, and we”d hate to air our dirty laundry on the WWW*,  even if the laundry, although dirty, has already been ironed out. It isn’t clean, it doesn’t seem polite, and Cool C and I are ALL about manners, even if those kOOky boys from VentureTek™ couldn’t give a fit’s tits.

Speaking of VentureTek™, the funniest sketch comedy/ performance art (?) group in the world,

We’ve got some BIG news from 2 weeks ago! VentureTek™ was recently endorsed/reviewed (?) by Mission Mission, a blog detailing the goings-on of San Francisco’s Mission District. They liked us! But don’t take our word for it, because we are liars. Here, you should probably go read what they have to say and then leave a comment about how you think VentureTek™ is totally the best and how you and all your slutty friends totally want to B.D** with us.

JUST DO IT!

A Big Fucking Thank You for all the support we’ve received from VentureTek™ fans the whole world over.

It means a lot, ya know?

TTYS,

Danbury and Critts

P.s- To all those who emailed asking to see a picture of Critts and I,  please enjoy this little snapshot of us all dolled up for Halloween. We’ve been together for almost 30 years now.

* World Wide Web. Do people still say that?

**Bone Down

VentureTek™- Return of the Kink

Hey! Fatty! Get Excited!

Exciting things are about to happen to you and everyone you know.    All you have to do is believe in yourself and to really want it !

VentureTek™, a sketch comedy group (among other things) from San Francisco, California, The United States has just returned from a 6 month sabbatical in Fake Brazil™, a Brazil substitute invented and implemented by VentureTek in late 2004.

They work hard, They play hard!

Researching tirelessly in their remote laboratory high in the Lake Pepsi Mountains has yielded some surprising results for comedy (Comedy=Venturetek™) fans worldwide. You are a comedy fan, aren’t you? Sure you are, tubby.

Elsewhere on the Internet™ you may have seen some puppies being looked at, or Murio violently battle-questing, but nothing, not mother fucking ANYTHING can prepare you for the majesty that is the full length presentation of VentureTek’s most recent findings in the fields of humor research/ naked lady studies:

Please watch, enjoy, share and repeat.

Curb Your Appetite for VentureTek™

Danburry and Critts here in the VentureDome™ and we have got some terrific news.

You really gonna love it. Here it is. It’s actually a few things of good news and here they are.

1.) Joey, Jake and Gordo will be home from Fake Brazil™ any day now! Probably by Frizzleday!

2.) They’ve promised us all presents. However, Critts and I were told not to expect much.

3.) Footage of the death of Lintip Voorhatl

3a.) Footage from their masterpiece of film; “The Search 4 Douglas.”

What? You haven’t heard of “The Search 4 Douglas”?

Not suprising.

See, VentureTek™ has been in a remote section of Forrest-Desert, Lil’ Brazil™ deep in the underBrazil catacombs of old regularBrazil, located in the heart of Fake Brazil™ for over 6 months now, their work , of course, demands the utmost secrecy and seclusion. You wouldn’t believe the secrets! Well the secrets are about to literally come out of the metaphorical bag with the culmination of all their efforts and the release of their Great Film. If you’re anything like Critts and I, you’re probably puking your pants with anticipation right now.

Wipe yourself up, you two year old.

VentureTek™ isn’t for babies.

Woah.  It’s 2:30 am where we are, I’m out of whiskey and Critts fell asleep on Joey’s bean-bag throne. He sure does miss him. We better get going, but why don’t you whet your whistle and CURB THOSE CRAVINGS for VentureTek™ with the only sketch comedy/performance art(?) group that kan satisfy –>YOU<– the Consumer, ™ VENTURETEK™

Prepare yourself for an exclusive sneak-peek at “The Search 4 Douglas” only for VentureTek™ fans like you!